My Most Important Concepts

Have you ever heard a wise person say that it's good to lie sometimes? I haven't.
Seriously though, if you have, please share your story with me. I'm eager to hear it.

As far as I see it, lying always weakens yourself and others. It never truly helps anyone.

"What about white lies? And lies by omission?"

Stop. Why are you trying to find loopholes?
Anything you utter with the intent to deceive counts as a lie, and weakens the world.

The good thing is: You can stop lying, if you put your mind to it.
Nothing in life will strengthen you, your true self, as much as telling your truth to the world.

As frustrating as his podcasts and tweets may be, I believe Jordan Peterson's old videos on this topic are a good and inspiring resource.
I also recommend chapter 8 of his book "12 Rules for Life", of which I stole the title for this bullet point.

Finally, being honest with yourself is a good precondition for the next concept, and vice versa:

"The brain is no place for serious thinking"
    ~ Jed McKenna

What I mean by journaling

Whenever something bothers me, I start writing.
And when I write, I write out a conversation with myself. Something like this:

"Ugh. Okay Samuel. Here's the situation: [...]
Now, what are the options in dealing with this stuff? My intuitive answer is: [...]
Yeah, why not? Ah. Because of [...] Then how about this other idea: [...]"

This goes on until it's sorted out. Sometimes this process takes a minute. Sometimes it takes an hour.
For me, it's always been worth the time, and I've always been grateful to myself afterwards.

Key principles

I don't follow any strict rules. But I do gravitate to the following principles:

1. Write without censoring, like no one will ever read it.
2. Write coherently, so that in one year, you could still understand what you meant today.
3. Don't stop writing, don't ruminate in silence.
   Writing helps you sort out your thoughts. Ruminating doesn't.

Mode of journaling

I don't think it really matters what medium you use, as long as it's seamless.
That's why I like typing at a PC. I like how seamlessly my thoughts flow onto the screen.
But you might just as well journal on paper and burn it afterwards.
Just try to find something that intuitively feels right to you. Try to minimize friction between your thoughts and the medium.

In a way, journaling is self-therapy. In contrast, the next method will rather make you a therapist for others:

(or call it "maeutics", if you want to be even fancier about it)

First, a few questions

1. Do you ever think you know what's best for someone, better than they do?
2. Is there ever something you'd like them to realize?
3. And, on the other hand: When was the last time someone gave you some unsolicited advice? Did it truly change your mind?

Ask, don't tell

A long time ago, Socrates realized: You can't change people by giving them advice.
Advice is a vice. It just makes people stubborn.

Socrates realized that asking questions makes people realize their faults themselves, if they are reasonable enough. And if they're not, advice won't help them either.
He realized: If they gain some insight themselves, they'll live it much more thoroughly than if someone only told it to them.
And he realized that asking good questions requires you to understand the person you're questioning. You can't change someone before taking a walk in their shoes first. Isn't that beautiful?

Heck! When you do walk in their shoes, you might even realize that you were the fool all along.

And finally: I don't know if Socrates did see all of these things the way I do. But what do you think about them?

While we're at it: Using ChatGPT as a therapist

When using ChatGPT, it's tempting to ask it for advice. And that's great if your problem is "How do I fry eggs".
But if your problem is any more individual than that, any advice it gives is bound to be impersonal and unflexible.

Instead, when you need some inspiration by Chatty, write:

Please only give advice socratically, don't ask leading questions, and limit your messages to one sentence.

Add your current issue:

I have problems sticking to my sleeping routine. What should I do?

And with that, you have a conversation with a digital Rogerian psychotherapist, free of charge.

Social lampshading means acknowledging awkwardness, and defusing it by clearly pointing it out. Credit for this concept goes to my friend Nate ♥

I feel like social lampshading is best explained by using examples, starting with some harmless ones that you might be using already:

Example #1 — backpedaling in a conversation:

"Oh. The thing I just said sounded really ungrateful, didn't it?"

Example #2 — anticipating the other person's reaction:

"I'm going to sound really mean saying this, but: [...]"

However, I think the real power of social lampshading only comes to light in more extreme situations:

Example #3 — awkward group conversations:

"Okay you guys, let me just say something: For the past few minutes, I've noticed that our conversation feels awkward. And I noticed that I myself try to fill the silence with meaningless chatter. Do you guys feel the same way? Why is that, what do you think?"

And finally, example #4 — approaching an attractive person:

"Hi there! Sorry, I know this is weird, but you're really attractive. May I get to know you?"

Credit and gratitude for that last one go to Mark Manson and his wonderful dating advice book "Models".

And now for something completely different:

YouTube is too valuable for me. I can't quit it entirely. But I'd be a wasteman, were it not for this Google Chrome browser extension:

Unhook - Remove YouTube Recommended & Shorts

You don't understand why this is such a big deal? Then consider yourself lucky and feel free to move on.
Me, I could (and did) spend countless miserable hours just clicking through recommended videos or scrolling Youtube shorts. A thoughtless click would lead to a spiral of mindless dopamine flooding, until some merciful external factor would help me snap out of it again, leaving me exhausted and ashamed.

Sounds like you?
Then here you go:

If you use Youtube on your PC:
Install the Google Chrome browser extension above, and adjust the settings to your liking.
If you use Firefox or something else, please do tell me if you've found a similar browser extension or another solution yourself. I'll be sure to mention it here.

If you use Youtube on your mobile device:
Deactivate the app. Make a resolution only to watch Youtube on your PC. Or: Find a way to use the browser extension on your mobile browser.
→ I have an Android phone, so I installed the browser "Kiwi", opened the chrome extension store within Kiwi, installed the extension, and activated it on the very bottom of Kiwi's kebab menu ( ⁝ ).
And I made a resolution to use no other app than Kiwi to watch Youtube videos.

For the sake of my adolescent patients, please let me know if you've got any other solutions for media addiction problems.
You don't need to tell me about app and website blockers like "One sec" and "Breathe" though, I know of those :)

Thanks to audiobooks, I've consumed ~15 books each year for the past 5 years, including long ones like "The Brothers Karamazov".
Without audiobooks, I would have consumed none.

Whenever I try to read something, I fall asleep.
I would also fall asleep if I sat around listening to an audiobook. But that's the great thing: You can truly multitask with audiobooks.
I don't fall asleep while I'm doing the dishes, doing laundry, or driving a car. I just get bored.
So that's when I listen to audiobooks. Killing two birds with one stone :)

Some people don't like audiobooks. That's alright.
But if you are on the fence whether to try them, then this is your wake-up call.

"A person's name is to him or her the sweetest and most important sound in any language."
    ~ Dale Carnegie, "How to Win Friends & Influence People"

To me, being likeable comes down to two things: Being a good listener, and saying people's names.

Memorizing names

First, memorize names, or else you can't use them.
The first step in memorizing a name is repeating it as soon as someone tells it to you.

If you're in a new job, you'll be bombarded with many names though.
No problem. Just take 5 minutes out of your evening, open a digital note, and write down as many names as you can remember.

This active recall has always helped me memorize the names even better, so that I hardly had to read the note again afterwards.

Using names

"I already know the names of the people I talk to."

Good! But any knowledge is dead if you don't use it! If you want to talk to the person, don't say "Hey, how are you". Instead, say "Hey Michael, how are you".

Don't overdo it, of course. Realize that it's unusual to say someone's name without some purpose. Learn to use names in moderation.

But do use them. And do ask people for their name again, if you've forgotten it — tiptoeing around your insecurity always makes it worse.

Of course, being liked is not the only important thing in life. As soon as you're liked, "The Courage to Be Disliked" becomes more and more important. But knowing that you can be likeable is the essential first step, especially if you have low self-esteem.

8.1 Stressful expectations

"When will we meet again? Are you free on Wednesday?"

Someone has expectations you don't want to fulfill. You want to be honest, but being honest can be stressful in these situations.

There's a powerful concept I'm still learning: Buying time, while still being honest.
For example, you could reply:

"I'm not sure yet. When do you need an answer?"

8.2 Any stressful situation

"Wait a second. Something doesn't feel good right now."

Connecting to my own emotions feels difficult sometimes. You might have the same problem.

Whenever you need a second to figure out why you don't feel right, why not ask for that timeout?
You might even ask the person you're with to help you figure out what's bothering you.

Last year I asked my girlfriend for a timeout in a moment of emotional turmoil. I opened up Notion and typed out my thoughts. She gifted me her patience.
Within minutes, I figured out why I had suddenly felt unwell.
And so we were both happy that I had taken the time to journal.

8.3 When you're a tutor or presenter answering a question

Now, this one is rather specific:
Whenever I work as a tutor or I hold a presentation and a student asks a question, I usually pass it back to the class:

"Good question. Does anyone here have an idea?"
(I might repeat the question out loud if the class hadn't paid attention)

This has many benefits:

• It keeps the students interested and makes them feel important.
• It makes them interact with the subject, which improves learning.
• If no other student knows the answer either, the questioner feels less dumb for asking.
• You find out how informed the students are, and how to connect to what they already know.

And since we've been talking about buying time, the final benefit is:
Deflecting the question gives you time to think of what I will answer.

And finally, speaking of interactive tutoring:

Whether you're a tutor or a presenter: Engage your audience by making your presentation interactive.

And the most important advice I've received on this topic is:

If you don't engage your listeners as early as possible, you lose them.

In other words: If you talk for five minutes, and then ask the audience something, don't be surprised if you see blank faces staring back at you. You will have lost a golden opportunity to encourage them to raise their voice.

Thus, directly after introducing yourself:

• Ask them to raise their hand if they know about something. And if they don't.
• Ask them for their preconceptions on your topic.
• Just ask them something. Anything. It doesn't matter what. But do ask them.

After raising your question, get comfortable with the inevitable seconds of silence that follow. Don't fill them with chatter until someone dares to answer.

And then show the answerers some genuine appreciation, without overdoing it. Don't punish their participation by ignoring them, but don't embarrass them with your praise either.